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3 Most Dangerous Years That Can Risk Your Marriage

April 17, 2017 by Vicki Tillman Leave a Comment

What are the 3 most dangerous years that can risk your marriage?

3 Most Dangerous Years That Can Risk Your Marriage VickiTillmanCoaching.com

3 Most Dangerous Years That Can Risk Your Marriage

When I do SYMBIS pre-marital coaching, I always warn the soon-to-be newlyweds that they should plan ahead for the 3 most dangerous years of marriage.

These are 3 years, that if the marriage survives, it will be a strong and love-filled marriage. But these 3 years must be survived.

What are the 3 most dangerous years that can risk your marriage?

  • Year 2
  • Year 7
  • Year 16

Why are they so dangerous?

Year 2: The adjustment to committed marriage is way harder than you thought it would be. Your spouse is way stubborner than you ever knew. AND what ever happened to: *you get married and it’s happily ever after*?

Year 7: Couples without children are in the throws of professional development in their individual careers, they are so busy creating success that couple-ship is back-burnered. Couples with children have young ones underfoot that require long, long hours and little time for couple-ship. AND after 7 years, some things your spouse does just get too annoying!

Year 16: This is mid-life crisis of a marriage. Couples often wake up one morning and ask themselves: “Is this what I signed up for? Who is this person I’m married to? (I don’t think it is the same one I married 16 years ago.) For that matter, who am I?”

So how do I tell my SYMBIS pre-marital clients to plan to handle those years well? The same way I tell couples that I coach. Follow these 10 necessary steps:

3 Most Dangerous Years That Can Risk Your Marriage VickiTillmanCoaching.com

*Own your own shit. (I don’t cuss, it’s a psychology term…) Face it: You have your own garbage. After 2, 7 or 16 years, it is becoming destructive to your marriage. Whether it is socks on the floor, interrupting your spouse, never saying “I’m sorry”, never being willing to yield… Whatever it is, your shit is your shit: fix it. Coaching helps with this. Contact me, let’s work on you becoming your best you.

*Ask yourself: What’s my part in it? It’s already quite clear to you what your spouse’s part in the stress of this time is. Face it, you have a part in it, too. Time to fix that! A marriage is only as healthy as the two people in it.

*Stop being critical. The glass ceiling for a wonderful marriage is its level of criticism. A couple’s growth and love-level stops where the criticism starts. This counts for spoken criticism and each person’s own internal dialogue: *He’s SO… She’s SO…*. Whether spoken or not it takes 5 positive statements to undo 1 criticism! So get busy with the positive!

*Recognize this time of life is SUPPOSED to feel different. *I just don’t feel the same way I used to!* *Things aren’t like they used to be!* Of course not! This is a law of nature the God placed into the earth to force people to continue to grow. We call it The Second Law of Thermodynamics or The Law of Entropy (for real, check your science textbooks). It says: All things fall apart. (Which they do: Eventually plants, animals, planets, stars fall apart…relationships do, too.) However, we humans were given the gift from God to be able to break this law; but it takes constant motion. For couples, to break the Law of Entropy we must recognize that each phase of life has its beauty, lean into the joys of each stage. If you are wise, the conversation, emotions and sex life of each phase is different but deeper and more satisfying.

*Engage in spiritual practices together. This is the number 1 way to fight the Law of Entropy. Not kidding. When you come down to it, the only thing we truly have 100% in common with another person is the Holy Spirit’s presence. So if we want to be united, we need to do things with the Holy Spirit: pray together, read Scripture together.

*Do new things together. You CANNOT escape this one. It is a powerful way to fight the Law of Entropy. When you do something new with your spouse, your bodies create oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone. It doesn’t matter what the new thing is; it doesn’t even need to be interesting. It just needs to be new. This is a practice that must happen at least monthly to keep a marriage healthy.

*Find a united cause. A healthy couple must have a *couple identity*. A *this-is-what-we-are-about*. Explore until you find something: church activities, service organizations, hiking groups, social justice causes. It just needs to be *something larger than yourself*.

*Forgive. This sounds trite, but really. Forgiveness is another glass ceiling. Ask yourself this question: Does it have eternal value? If whatever you need to forgive has eternal value, talk it out with your spouse or get marriage counseling. If it doesn’t have eternal value, then why the heck are you hanging on to it?

*Look toward each other. Literally. Look at each other when you talk. Stop what you’re doing (phone, tablet, computer, game) and look right at your spouse until he/she is through talking. ALSO, metaphorically look at each other: Make a point to think about your spouse while you’re at work. Pray for him/her daily. Do something kind daily.

*Laugh together. Couples who laugh together, bond together. Watch something funny on YouTube or a funny movie. Read jokes to each other. Tell funny stories about your work day or childhood. Do not go more than 2 days without a laugh!

Newlyweds who plan for success by following these steps have an easier time through the phases of life. Couples who did not know ahead of time how to plan, it isn’t too late! Don’t worry, just start taking this advice:

Follow the 10 steps! You’ll be glad you did. Contact me for great coaching through life’s phases.

3 Most Dangerous Years That Can Risk Your Marriage

Filed Under: Healthy Lifestyle, Life transitions, Skills for Success Tagged With: marriage, Most dangerous years for a marriage

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7 Productive Things to do Immediately After Losing a Job

January 30, 2017 by Vicki Tillman Leave a Comment

 

7 Productive Things to do Immediately After Losing a Job

7 Productive Things to Do Immediately After Losing a Job VickiTIllmanCoaching.com

7 Productive Things to do Immediately After Losing a Job

Losing a job sucks. You feel rotten. But the days immediately after losing a job are not the days to sit around watching old YouTube channels or playing solitaire.

The best idea for those days right after being downsized, outsourced, job eliminated, whatever… is to keep some momentum going. That way depression and discouragement doing set in and get you stuck in the job-hunt-procrastination mire.

So, here are 7 productive things to do immediately after losing a job:

*Make a resource list that you can email, phone or visit.

  • Professional contacts and colleagues
  • Family and friends
  • Pastor and other community leaders you know

*Update resume and create a cover letter template. You will probably need several versions of each but if you have a master copy edited and ready to adapt, you will be ready to pounce on opportunities when they arise.

*Update your LinkedIn profile. This is a must.

*Update or upgrade any certifications you hold. You know it…you’ve been putting off dealing with this. Updated and upgraded certifications help open doors. Even if you’re not behind on anything, find a course or two to take.

*Do an internet brainstorm session. Explore:

  • US Department of Labor’s onetonline.org
  • Job sites like Indeed, Monster, etc
  • Lots of posts on this website. Here’s one.

*Start volunteering. Volunteering is good for many reasons:

  • Meet new people/networking
  • Adding to your skill set
  • Keeps you from stagnating in front of a computer screen
  • Fends off some of your anxiety and increases happiness levels

    Trail Guide to Career Exploration for Adults VickiTillmanCoaching.com

    Get started on your journey with the Trail Guide to Career Exploration for Adults.

*Get some Career Coaching. Contact me. I can help you with each of the above, as well as exploring new careers if you are ready for that adventure. Don’t lose time when you’ve lost a job. Email me today to set up an in-person, Skype or phone appointment.

You can also download this inspiring Career Exploration Guide to get started.

7 Productive Things to do Immediately After Losing a Job

Filed Under: Career Choice, Life transitions, Skills for Success, Uncategorized Tagged With: career change, Job hunt, lost job

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3 Ways to Beat 3 Kinds of Stress

January 21, 2017 by Vicki Tillman 1 Comment

Want help? Here are 3 ways to beat 3 kinds of stress.

3 Ways to Beat 3 Kinds of Stress

Ever thought that there might be more than one kind of stress? Surprise! There are at least 3 kinds of stress (some folks even describe more than 3).

SO much stress! What can you do about it? Here are 3 ways to beat 3 kinds of stress:

Normal Life Stress: This is what we typically think about when we describe stress. Normal life stress is simply the feeling we get when:

  • There is too much to do and too little time or too few resources
  • No one is listening to you
  • Things feel out of control

What to do about normal life stress? Here are 3 ideas:

  • Make a to-do list and then cross off all the unrealistic items.
  • Tell yourself that you can do this! (calmly and repeatedly)
  • When no one is listening, then evaluate: Does the subject need to be dropped? Am I saying things over and over; or saying them too loudly? Are my listeners simply being unkind-should I talk to someone else?
  • Change the things you can change and let go of the things you can’tProgressive Relaxation

Eustress: This is the cool kind of stress we feel when we have a LOT of cool stuff happening all at once. We feel happy but our bodies recognize eustress as any other stress. Eustress causes the formation of stress hormones- like adrenaline and cortisol (fight or flight hormones). Manage those feelings with

  • Progressive relaxation at least once per day (download a freebie how-to here)
  • Ignatian Examen at bedtime (download a freebie how-to here)
  • Practice thankfulness

Anxiety: Too much stress for too long can turn into anxiety. Anxiety can become a psychological issue if it goes on too long or is too intense with worry and physical discomfort. Before it gets out of hand, try these:

  • Get some counseling. Counseling is different from coaching. Counselors help heal the pain causing the anxiety.Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People VickiTillmanCoaching.com
  • Get some life coaching. Life coaching helps you reduce anxiety by rediscovering who you are, what dreams God gave you to dream, and find ways to develop the tools to make those dreams happen.
  • Tackle some of your fears- like meeting new people. Download this freebie.

Life coaching and Career Coaching help you recalibrate your goals and your self-understanding. Coaching is a great stress buster. For coaching with a coach who is expert, who is experienced, who is compassionate and who believes in you contact me today!

We will work in person at Pike Creek Psychological Center, by phone or Skype.

3 Ways to Beat 3 Kinds of Stress

Filed Under: Healthy Lifestyle, Self-knowledge, Skills for Success Tagged With: Healthy lifestyle, Stress

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How to Prepare for a Big Interview

January 9, 2017 by Vicki Tillman Leave a Comment

Here is how to prepare for a big interview.

How to Prepare for a Big Interview VickiTillmanCoaching.com

How to Prepare for a Big Interview

Finally got that big interview you’ve been hoping for?

You don’t want to mess around with this one! Here’s how to prepare for a big interview.

*Research the company ahead of time. Know:

  • A basic history of the company
  • Company mission and values
  • If possible, find out who will interview you and read their Linked in profile(s).

*Rehearse answers to basic interview questions. Give examples from your life where possible:

  • Tell us about yourself. (How much can you fit in 1 or 2 sentences- make it an elevator pitch/squeeze your resume into 2 or 3 sentences.)
  • Why do you want to work for us?
  • What is your greatest strength/weakness?
  • Give examples of how you deal with conflict with colleagues/bosses?
  • What are your salary expectations?
  • How have you overcome challenges on your previous job?
  • Tell about a failure you’ve had at work and how you handled it.
  • How do you deal with unexpected events?
  • Give an example of your innovative thinking.
  • Of which accomplishments in your life are you most proud?
  • What have you learned about yourself during your career?
  • Who has mentored you? What made them good mentors?
  • How has your day been?
  • Why should we hire you?
  • Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
  • Be prepared for a couple of goofy questions (not all ask questions like this but when they do, they are looking for creative thinking and the ability to problem-solve…thus, there are no right/wrong answers)
    • What did you make for supper last night?
    • How many beachballs fit in a minivan?
    • What would you do if you won the lottery?
    • Describe yourself in 2 words.
  • Do you have any questions for us? Yes, you do. Here are some:
    • What are some goals you have for new hires?
    • What is a typical day for my job title?
    • What is the training process for this job?
    • What do you like best about this company?
    • What are some challenges the company faces in the next few years?
    • What is the corporate culture here?
    • Where will the company be in 5 years?
    • How soon should I follow up?

Be ready, be sharp:

  • Know where you are going ahead of time
  • Make sure clothes are clean, pressed and shoes shined ahead of time
  • Dress professionally (If possible, find out what people wear in the office and mimic that, otherwise go full professional.)
  • Bring several extra copies of resume
  • Arrive 10-15 minutes early

*Before you enter the building, do this:

  • Make sure buttons are buttoned and zippers zipped
  • Turn off cell phone
  • Put your hands on hips (arms akimbo) and count to 15 (gives a confidence-inducing dose of testosterone)
  • Put your shoulders back, chin up and Mona-Lisa smile (Keep it that way as much as possible the rest of the time at the company.)

*Upon entering the building:

  • Be warm and friendly to everyone you meet
  • Use a firm handshake

*During the interview:

  • Keep those shoulders back, chin up and smile where appropriate
  • Keep hands on legs, sit straight, don’t fidget BUT
  • Subtly match non-verbals of interviewers, if possible
  • When leaving the room at the end of the interview, walk confidently (shoulders back, chin up, smiling)

*After the interview:

  • Send a thank you note

Contact me for Career Coaching and help for the job search process.

You go! You’re going to do a great job at that big interview!

How to Prepare for a Big Interview

Filed Under: Life transitions, Skills for Success Tagged With: Career Coaching, Interview skills

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The Healing Power of Thankfulness

November 20, 2016 by Vicki Tillman Leave a Comment

It’s true! The healing power of thankfulness!

The Healing Power of Thankfulness VickiTillmanCoaching.com

The Healing Power of Thankfulness

One of the healthiest things you can do for yourself is to be thankful. This isn’t surprising since we humans have been told to be thankful for thousands of years. The Bible is full of mandates for thankfulness. Here are just 2 of them:

  • It is a good thing to give thanks unto the Lord. Psalm 92:1 (KJV)
  • Enter his gates with thanksgiving and into his courts with praise, be thankful unto him and bless his name. Psalm 100:4 (NKJV)

How is thankfulness healing for us?

Studies usually define gratitude as thankfulness. Sometimes it is easier for my coachees to describe thankfulness than gratitude. So we will discuss thankfulness in light of the gratitude research being done by the Greater Good Center at University of California Berkeley.

Researchers there have found that people who daily write what they are thankful for to experience:

  • Stronger immune systems and lowered blood pressure
  • Higher levels of positive emotions
  • More joy, optimism and happiness
  • More generosity and helpful behavior toward others
  • Feeling less lonely and isolated

That sounds like a win-win! God says to be thankful and when we do, look at all the benefits!

Here are some thankfulness activities to try:

  • Keep a simple gratitude list. Hand write it in a journal or notebook. You will soon find that you need to notice more things that are good, true or beautiful in order to keep the journal lively. This is good!
  • Try the 3 Good Things exercise from Dr. Martin Seligman at University of Pennsylvania.
  • Try this exercise: What would my life be like without? Spend about 15 minutes imagining what your life would be like if you didn’t have things like: your job? electricity? food? a significant relationship? etc.
  • Write a thank you letter and deliver it. 

You can come up with lots of ways to practice thankfulness.Vicki Tillman Coaching

When you are ready to increase the goodness and thankfulness in your life, life coaching is a good first step. Contact me for life-changing coaching via Skype, phone or in person.

The Healing Power of Thankfulness

Filed Under: Life transitions, Skills for Success Tagged With: Healthy lifestyle, Thankfulness

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How to be Content with Your Life and Still Reach for Your Dreams

October 23, 2016 by Vicki Tillman Leave a Comment

Dreams out of reach? Here’s how to be content with your life and still reach for your dreams.

How to be Content with Your Life and Still Reach for Your Dreams VickiTillmanCoaching.com

How to be Content with Your Life and Still Reach for Your Dreams

Disappointment is part of life. (If I could give God advice about this, I’d tell Him that we should skip this part- but He seems to think otherwise.) We can have dreams, we can feel like we’re on the right track and then everything stops…falls apart…whatever. Then it seems like our dreams are ripped away from us.

Disappointment. It’s real. But life goes on. How do we allow life to be good even when it has been “wrong”?

Practice contentment. (Notice I said, “practice”? It takes a LOT of practice. It is a life-long, ongoing PROCESS.) BUT don’t give up on your dreams. Here’s how to be content with your life and still reach for your dreams.

How to be content with the life you have now.

*Keep daily gratitude lists. This isn’t cheesy, really. We know that Scripture tells us to give thanks and to have a grateful spirit (Psalms 100, 138, 139 and more). Now there’s research about the power of gratitude. University of California has done great work on gratefulness. They’ve found that written gratitude lists help

  • promote healthy immune systems and blood pressure
  • decrease depression levels
  • and more!Progressive Relaxation VickiTillmanCoaching.com

*Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness is the practice of “calm, non-judgmental awareness”. The American Psychological Association shares some benefits of mindfulness:

  • stress reduction
  • improved working memory
  • better focus
  • more stable moods
  • enhanced relationships

There are many mindfulness practices. Download the freebie instructions for two of my favorites mindfulness practices: Progressive Relaxation and Ignatian Examen.

*Notice the good stuff that is here now. No matter how much “stuff” we have, we need something else- but that kind of thinking makes us sick. When you notice what you DO have (and are grateful for it), the pressure to accumulate things reduces.Ignatian Examen How-to VickiTillmanCoaching.com

*Notice the good people that are here now. Your friends and family are what they are- none are perfect but hopefully most are good. Concentrate on the good people and the good things they do. If you need to download some toxic people, go for it.

*Notice the good events that are here now. Every day, something good happens. What is it?

*Self-care. You can’t be content and then respect your body and soul. It works the other way around. Treat your body and soul well and you will more easily find contentment.

*Find 5 good friends. I always tell my clients, “You become like the 5 people you hang around with, so get 5 good friends.”

How to be content with your life and still reach for your dreams:

Don’t forget your dreams. They are gifts from God.

*Remember that there is always something ahead and that you already have a dream about it inside you. It’s there, trust me.

Trail Guide to Career Exploration for Adults VickiTillmanCoaching.com

*If you’ve forgotten about your dreams, start over.

*Rediscover yourself. Who are you? If you’ve forgotten, some Career Exploration (which is simply self-knowledge development) helps. Have some fun:

  • Remember who you are and rewrite your Personal Mission Statement
  • Redefine your dreams
  • Work with a coach to help you remember the dreams, keep you on track and prepared for your dreams

*Create a vision board

*Set aside a few minutes each week to develop a skill that will help you in your dreamTrail Guide to Writing Your Personal Mission Statement VickiTillmanCoaching.com

You can have both: contentment with the present and dreams about the future. Hold onto both! Contact me when you are ready to recalibrate your life through coaching.

How to be Content with Your Life and Still Reach for Your Dreams

Filed Under: Career Choice, Life transitions, Self-discovery, Self-knowledge, Skills for Success Tagged With: Career Choice, Contentment, Dreams, Life transitions, Self-discovery, Self-knowledge

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5 You-Can-Do-It Networking Skills for Millennial Introverts

October 16, 2016 by Vicki Tillman Leave a Comment

There’s no escaping the need to network, so here are 5 You-Can-Do-It networking skills for millennial introverts.

5 You-Can-Do-It Skills for Millennial introverts VickiTillmanCoaching.com

5 You-Can-Do-It Networking Skills for Millennial Introverts

Networking happens. It happens all the time. Even if you’re an introvert, shy or just-don’t-like-to-network: if you’re going to be successful you must network.

Some of my favorite coachees are millennials who are introverts. I love watching their confidence grow as they learn some networking skills that ANYONE can do. So here are 5 You-Can-Do-It networking skills for millennial introverts.

At networking events, socials, parties, etc:

*Play a role. When you are at an event, you are not there to be “authentic”. Rather, you are branding your professional self. Imagine that the event is the stage of a play and you are one of the actors. Spend a little time creating a role for yourself:

  • I’m a quiet but intelligent biologist…
  • I’m a compassionate and helpful social worker…
  • I’m a wise and thoughtful English major…

*Get your power non-verbals on. Before you enter the networking event, try these tricks:

  • Before you go to the event, prop your feet up on a desk and place your arms behind your head (arms akimbo) for 2 minutes. This lowers your stress hormone- cortisol, and increases your confidence boosting hormone- testosterone.
  • When you arrive, enter the room with your shoulders back, chin up and a slight smile. This is an invitational non-verbal, folks will want to talk to you.
  • If you can keep something in your left hand such as business cards or a drink, you might feel more confident.

*Give yourself a job. Your job is to make someone else feel comfortable.

  • When you arrive, scout the room. Find someone on the fringes who looks shy and alone.
  • Introduce yourself and ask that person a question. In helping them feel welcome, you will have gained an ally and created some goodwill.
  • Be sure to shake hands (practice your handshake so that it is gentle but firm).
  • Introduce that person to someone else, if there is the opportunity.

*In day-to-day life, be a helper:

  • Volunteer to help with special projects or events. This shows you are invested in the culture and can earn you good favor (and make you feel good, too).

*In day-to-day life, show genuine interest in people around you:

  • Be a listener and encourager. Practice listening skills and saying uplifting things (no complaining or negativity).
  • Talk well to yourself, “You can do it!” is a powerful phrase! Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People VickiTillmanCoaching.com

For more tips, download this freebie: Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People.

When you’re ready for the adventure of increasing your confidence for networking and relationship success, contact me.

5 You-Can-Do-It Networking Skills for Millennial Introverts

Filed Under: Skills for Success, Uncategorized Tagged With: millennials, Networking skills, Skills for success

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Testimonial

  • Vicki Tillman is a gifted career counselor with a passion for helping adolescents and adults find their futures. She believes God has blessed each of us with unique gifts, abilities and callings. I have seen Vicki work with students, individuals as well as groups. She helps people identify their strengths and passions and view them as possibilities.

    Vicki Tillman has helped all 4 of my children discern more about what God has in store for them. Their experiences have ranged from knowing very clearly where they intend to go and how they intend to get there to having absolutely no direction regarding career or future education.

    Her personal style is charming, engaging and a wonderful balance of serious without being too serious. Watching Vicki work with my teens and countless other teens and parents has given me the confidence to enthusiastically recommend her to anyone wishing to walk into their future with faith.

    - KS

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