What are the 3 most dangerous years that can risk your marriage?
3 Most Dangerous Years That Can Risk Your Marriage
When I do SYMBIS pre-marital coaching, I always warn the soon-to-be newlyweds that they should plan ahead for the 3 most dangerous years of marriage.
These are 3 years, that if the marriage survives, it will be a strong and love-filled marriage. But these 3 years must be survived.
What are the 3 most dangerous years that can risk your marriage?
- Year 2
- Year 7
- Year 16
Why are they so dangerous?
Year 2: The adjustment to committed marriage is way harder than you thought it would be. Your spouse is way stubborner than you ever knew. AND what ever happened to: *you get married and it’s happily ever after*?
Year 7: Couples without children are in the throws of professional development in their individual careers, they are so busy creating success that couple-ship is back-burnered. Couples with children have young ones underfoot that require long, long hours and little time for couple-ship. AND after 7 years, some things your spouse does just get too annoying!
Year 16: This is mid-life crisis of a marriage. Couples often wake up one morning and ask themselves: “Is this what I signed up for? Who is this person I’m married to? (I don’t think it is the same one I married 16 years ago.) For that matter, who am I?”
So how do I tell my SYMBIS pre-marital clients to plan to handle those years well? The same way I tell couples that I coach. Follow these 10 necessary steps:
*Own your own shit. (I don’t cuss, it’s a psychology term…) Face it: You have your own garbage. After 2, 7 or 16 years, it is becoming destructive to your marriage. Whether it is socks on the floor, interrupting your spouse, never saying “I’m sorry”, never being willing to yield… Whatever it is, your shit is your shit: fix it. Coaching helps with this. Contact me, let’s work on you becoming your best you.
*Ask yourself: What’s my part in it? It’s already quite clear to you what your spouse’s part in the stress of this time is. Face it, you have a part in it, too. Time to fix that! A marriage is only as healthy as the two people in it.
*Stop being critical. The glass ceiling for a wonderful marriage is its level of criticism. A couple’s growth and love-level stops where the criticism starts. This counts for spoken criticism and each person’s own internal dialogue: *He’s SO… She’s SO…*. Whether spoken or not it takes 5 positive statements to undo 1 criticism! So get busy with the positive!
*Recognize this time of life is SUPPOSED to feel different. *I just don’t feel the same way I used to!* *Things aren’t like they used to be!* Of course not! This is a law of nature the God placed into the earth to force people to continue to grow. We call it The Second Law of Thermodynamics or The Law of Entropy (for real, check your science textbooks). It says: All things fall apart. (Which they do: Eventually plants, animals, planets, stars fall apart…relationships do, too.) However, we humans were given the gift from God to be able to break this law; but it takes constant motion. For couples, to break the Law of Entropy we must recognize that each phase of life has its beauty, lean into the joys of each stage. If you are wise, the conversation, emotions and sex life of each phase is different but deeper and more satisfying.
*Engage in spiritual practices together. This is the number 1 way to fight the Law of Entropy. Not kidding. When you come down to it, the only thing we truly have 100% in common with another person is the Holy Spirit’s presence. So if we want to be united, we need to do things with the Holy Spirit: pray together, read Scripture together.
*Do new things together. You CANNOT escape this one. It is a powerful way to fight the Law of Entropy. When you do something new with your spouse, your bodies create oxytocin, which is a bonding hormone. It doesn’t matter what the new thing is; it doesn’t even need to be interesting. It just needs to be new. This is a practice that must happen at least monthly to keep a marriage healthy.
*Find a united cause. A healthy couple must have a *couple identity*. A *this-is-what-we-are-about*. Explore until you find something: church activities, service organizations, hiking groups, social justice causes. It just needs to be *something larger than yourself*.
*Forgive. This sounds trite, but really. Forgiveness is another glass ceiling. Ask yourself this question: Does it have eternal value? If whatever you need to forgive has eternal value, talk it out with your spouse or get marriage counseling. If it doesn’t have eternal value, then why the heck are you hanging on to it?
*Look toward each other. Literally. Look at each other when you talk. Stop what you’re doing (phone, tablet, computer, game) and look right at your spouse until he/she is through talking. ALSO, metaphorically look at each other: Make a point to think about your spouse while you’re at work. Pray for him/her daily. Do something kind daily.
*Laugh together. Couples who laugh together, bond together. Watch something funny on YouTube or a funny movie. Read jokes to each other. Tell funny stories about your work day or childhood. Do not go more than 2 days without a laugh!
Newlyweds who plan for success by following these steps have an easier time through the phases of life. Couples who did not know ahead of time how to plan, it isn’t too late! Don’t worry, just start taking this advice:
Follow the 10 steps! You’ll be glad you did. Contact me for great coaching through life’s phases.
