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How to Increase Motivation to do the Things You Don’t Want to do!

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Whenever tax season rolls around, many of us feel a wave of anxiety followed by a fit of procrastination!

How to Increase Motivation to do the Things You Don't Want to do! Here are some tried and true ways to get started on unwanted tasks.

How to Increase Motivation to do the Things You Don’t Want to do!

Life is full of doing stuff we don’t want to do: dishes, taxes, paperwork, laundry… Who wants to do those things?

It’s easy to get stuck waiting for motivation to strike us, like a muse or bolt of lightening. It’s easy to decide to wait until you feel like doing it…but *feel like* rarely comes!

How can you increase motivation to do all that stuff you don’t want to do? Here are 3 things to try:

Examine the secret lie:

We all have lies we subconsciously tell ourselves. We don’t necessarily know that the lies are there, but they are, running like a computer in the back of your brain. These lies can run our lives:

I can’t do anything I don’t want to do.

If I don’t feel like it, I can’t do it.

Correct the lie with a do-able truth:

I don’t want to do this, but I can, and I’ll feel better when it’s done. So I’ll get started now.

Face with overwhelm and write out a task list:

It’s hard to get started if you feel overwhelmed. Make a task list. Tell yourself a positive truth about it. Then write out the steps you’re going to take to conquer the most important task on that list. Now get started and cross off each step as you get it done.

Lack of motivation isn’t really a thing most of the time. It’s just our subconscious lies or feeling overwhelmed. Do your self-talk and chunk out your tasks. You’ll soon find that being unmotivated has nothing to do with you!

Bonus way to INCREASE motivation: Get coaching. Life or Career Coaching can be a powerful way to help you accomplish your unwanted tasks in life…and help you build your confidence so you accomplish all the WANTED tasks, too! Schedule an appointment! You’ll be surprised how great you feel when you are in sync with your own motivation!

3 Important First Steps When You Want to Change Careers

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Feeling the need for a change? Here are 3 important first steps when you want to change careers.

3 Important First Steps When You Want to Change Careers #CareerCoaching This photo shows a business woman giving a presentation to a group in a well-lit office.

3 Important First Steps When You Want to Change Careers

It’s not unusual to hit a place in life where you think, “I need a do-over with my career.”

Many of the coachees I work with start out feeling overwhelmed by the thought of changing careers. They know they need a change, they want a change…but they have no idea what it is that they do want.

That’s why coaching is so helpful. As a career coach, I can walk with you through the process.

Everyone is different, but here are 3 basics that help many people when starting off the career-change process.

Re-discover, re-define and re-brand

The first thing you need to do if you’re thinking about a career change is to re-discover yourself: Who you are and why you are! Everyone changes over time…or maybe a lousy job or an obnoxious boss gets you so distracted or stressed that you forget who you really are. The first step in career change needs to be re-discovering yourself. No kidding. When’s the last time you took a personality test? Let’s start with remembering YOU.

Download these freebie links to personality tests. You’ll be glad you did.

Personal Discovery Links VickiTillmanCoaching.com Photo of a journal, cup of coffee and earbuds to set the atmosphere for personal discovery.

Download this freebie.

Don’t just take your tests! Read the results and write notes to yourself about the things that most resonate with you. (Start a self-discovery journal!)

Next, on your journey of self-discovery, redefine yourself by writing a fresh personal mission statement. Download this guide to take you step-by-step through the process.

Trail Guide to Writing Your Personal Mission Statement VickiTillmanCoaching.com Photo of a hiker which represents the journey of self-discovery and re-definition of writing personal mission statements.

Download this helpful guide.

 

Now, you’re ready to re-brand. Is there anything you need to update in your skill set, your networking, your lifestyle? Get to it!

It helps to know who you are, why you are and that you are creating yourself well!  Now, you’re ready for the next step.

Define your network

Networking is key to job hunting in this interconnected world. Who you know matters and will help (if you’ve been a pleasant person- if you haven’t, get busy re-branding yourself). Make a list of influencers and connecters in your world. Look at:

  • Your email list
  • Your LinkedIn and other online professional/social connecters
  • Your organizations
  • Your immediate and extended family and friends

Update your LinkedIn profile

LinkedIn is always updating. Check to see if you’ve made yourself optimally available. Here’s a post on spiffing up your LinkedIn profile.

5 Ways to Spiff up Your LinkedIn Profile VickiTillmanCoaching.com Recruiters really do use LinkedIn to find new hires. Make yourself find-able. Here are 5 easy tips.

Click image to read post.

Got these 3 important steps under control? You’re ready to start the career change. It helps to work with a coach through this process. Schedule an appointment with me to help you make life-changing career changes.

3 Important First Steps When You Want to Change Careers

How to Ask for a Favor and Not Leave a Terrible Impression

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Take my word for it, this is important: How to ask for a favor and not leave a terrible impression.

How to Ask for a Favor and Not Leave a Terrible Impression

How to Ask for a Favor and Not Leave a Terrible Impression

Have you ever been asked to do someone a favor, you do it and then feel like you’ve totally been taken advantage of, disrespected or devalued? It certainly doesn’t make you want to do that person a favor next time they ask.

If you know someone who is inclined to do an asinine job of receiving favors that they ask for, tell them this:

Do me a favor, next time you need to ask someone a favor, read this post first.

Here’s how to ask for a favor and not leave a terrible impression:

*Ask. 

Don’t say, “I need you to do something for me…”

Try this instead:

  • “Could I ask you a favor? Would you do…,please?”
  • “Would you mind doing something for me? Would you…, please?”
  • “Could I impose on you to…, please?”

Notice: Each of the asks ends with the word, “Please”. Please is not optional when asking for favors if you don’t want to leave a terrible impression.

*Make it easy on the person to do the favor for you.

If they need information, don’t make them do a google search or dig through 10 years of past records. If you have access to what the person who is doing you a favor needs, give it to them. Examples of this:

  • If you need a referral or recommendation: Write examples of the work you and the referrer have done together in order to jog their memories. Give them a list of accomplishments.
  • If you need a review: Give the person the materials you want reviewed.
  • If you need them to stop by the store on the way home: Text them a list. A verbal list is too hard to remember.
  • If you need tutoring: Bring your textbook and course materials.

Making it easy to do the favor is not an option if you don’t want to leave a terrible impression.

*Say ‘Thank you’ when the favor is done.

In my experience, it not common to receive thanks when a favor is complete. The favor-asker often moves right on with life. It is also my experience that when I am not thanked for doing a favor:

  • I feel taken advantage of
  • I am less inclined to do another favor if that person wants something else done
  • The favor asker has left a bad impression

*Return the favor.

Remember: the person who did you a favor gave something up to do you that favor. They gave time or money or resources. The favor cost them something. So, it is thoughtful to return the favor.

Returning a favor is simply doing something nice for the person who did you the favor. It’s kind of like a human version of karma: favors are given, favors come back around. This creates goodwill and an atmosphere of giving.

There are lots of ways to return a favor. Here are a few ideas:

  • Write a thank you note. (This is above and beyond the verbal ‘thank you’.) Snail-mail it. Don’t email it.
  • Give some social media love.
  • Send some flowers.
  • Ask, “What can I do for you?”
  • Occasionally, the situation will not ethically allow the favor-giver to receive a repay. In this case, simply talk well about the favor-giver when you have the opportunity.

People who do not return the favors appear ungrateful and leave a bad impression.

A little bit of thoughtfulness from a favor-asker is all that’s needed to prevent creating bad impressions!

If you need a little coaching to build your confidence on favor-asking, contact me or schedule an appointment now. Coaching will help you become the kind of person who people LOVE to do favors for.

How to Ask for a Favor and Not Leave a Terrible Impression

7 Mindfulness Choices for People Who Aren’t Naturally Mindful

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Here are 7 mindfulness choices for people who aren’t naturally mindful.

7 Mindfulness Choices for People Who Aren't Naturally Mindful VickiTillmanCoaching.com

7 Mindfulness Choices for People Who Aren’t Naturally Mindful

Let’s face it. Most of us aren’t born meditators. We don’t get out of bed in the morning excited to sit still and quiet. Unfortunately, that’s what many folks imagine when they think of mindfulness.

I’ve got good news: Even non-mindful, distracted, busy people can learn mindfulness. Here are some what’s, why’s and how’s.

What is mindfulness?

It is a practice that helps you be calm, aware and criticism-free.

Why is mindfulness important? 

Our crazy American lifestyle promotes busyness, multi-tasking and self-criticalness. The outcome of this is a society where many people feel exhausted, anxious, distracted and irritable.

Mindfulness is really GOOD for you. Here are 6 benefits:

*Mindfulness helps you calm down. This calming is not only emotional calming but also biological calming. Mindfulness can help strengthen the parts of the brain that promote *calm down* and reduce the stress hormones that make you feel anxious.

*Mindfulness can help increase positive mood. The more you practice mindfulness, the more you may notice that your general mood is improving. A pleasant mood is way better for you than a grouchy, distracted mood.

*Mindfulness can reduce rumination. When you ruminate, you find yourself thinking over and over about something without solving it. This is often what we do when we are criticizing ourselves. We just criticize but never come to a way of making it better. Mindfulness often helps the brain move past the stuck neural circuits that cause rumination.

Distracted? Forgetful? Mindfulness could help! VickiTillmanCoaching.com

*Mindfulness can improve working memory. Have you ever noticed that the more stressed you get, the more you forget all that stuff you need to remember? Stress makes it hard to store and retrieve information. Mindfulness, in contrast, helps your brain to stay sharp (or even improve) the ability to store and retrieve all that important stuff.

*Mindfulness can help you manage your temper. People who practice mindfulness often find that they experience less *emotional reactivity* (angry outbursts, temper, meltdowns).

*Mindfulness can improve your immune system. Some people report fewer sick visits to the doctor because, over time, mindfulness has reduced the stress hormones that suppress the immune system.

There are interesting posts about mindfulness research at Greater Good Science and APA Monitor.

With so many benefits, what stops people from adopting some mindfulness practices? Because it sounds boring, they feel too busy or they simply don’t know how.

The good news is that there are ENDLESS ways to practice mindfulness. You can find one or more that actually fit your personality- EVEN if you aren’t a naturally mindful person. Here are 7 mindfulness choices for people who aren’t naturally mindful.

*Deep breathing. Take 2-3 minutes at bedtime to breathe. Stressed people tend to breath shallowly, not good for reducing the daily stress hormones. Oxygen from deep breathing will help you feel calmer and sleep better. Try it nightly for 2 weeks and see if you don’t notice a difference. Here is a freebie download on how to do a mindfulness deep breathing exercise at bedtime.

Progressive Relaxation

Click here for this freebie to help you with deep breathing.

*Mindful walking. Take a 15 minute or longer walk but leave your headphones and hassles at home. On this walk, don’t do any problem-solving but keep bringing your mind back to noticing three things:

  • How your body is feeling
  • What you see, hear and smell
  • What is beautiful

Mindful walking can be even better if you can walk in the woods. (Korean and Japanese cultures call this *Forest Bathing*.) Did you know that trees produce phytoncides that boost our body’s health. Just looking at trees reduces your stress hormones? If you don’t have woods, but can be near a few trees you’ll have an even better calming response than simple mindful walking.

*Laughter. Relieves stress, releases happy hormone. Find something to laugh about in normal life. (Not sarcasm or self-criticism, just fun.) For mindful laughing:

  • Stay in the moment
  • Notice the fun
  • Notice how laughing makes you feel

*Prayer. There are lots of different kinds of prayer. Some prayer is not meant to be calming. (Intercessory prayer, for instance, often requires lots of big feelings.) However, there are some very cool and calming kinds of being-with-God prayer. Here are a few:

*Coloring. I can’t tell you how many of my clients love mindful coloring! When you color mindfully, pick something to color that requires some focus, but not too much. Then, while you color, calmly keep your mind on:

  • How your body is feeling
  • What you are enjoying about the activity, stay in the moment
  • What is beautiful
  • Being judgement free. NO criticism allowed.

(Other forms of art can be mindful, too.)

There are freebie coloring pages at my resources tab.

Spring Mindfulness Coloring Pages Free from VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Click here for free Spring Mindfulness Coloring Pages.

*Gratitude Lists. Take a few minutes each day to create a written list of things you are thankful for. If you keep it up for a month, I’ll bet you notice the difference! This is my favorite daily mindfulness practice. Here’s a post on how-to.

*Puzzles. Jigsaw, sudoku and other puzzles can be wonderful mindful activities. When you mindfully puzzle:

  • Keep your mind on what you doing
  • Concentrate on the things you are enjoying about the puzzle
  • NO self-criticism about your performance
  • Avoid time-pressure

I promised 7 mindfulness choices for people who aren’t naturally mindful. Here’s an 8th choice for a bonus!

*Gardening. People who love gardening will tell you that they feel most calm and happy when they are outside working with their plants. 

  • Keep your mind on the garden
  • Notice the sensory things around you:
    • How the soil feels and smells
    • The progress of the plants
    • The sounds of birds and insects
  • Refrain from judgements or predictions (especially avoid *What-ifs*)

Want some help learning to be mindful? Would you like some mindfulness training for your organization? I’d love to help. I’d love for you to contact me or schedule an appointment.

7 Mindfulness Choices for People Who Aren’t Naturally Mindful

10 Time-Management Tips for Feeling Good about Your Day

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Need to get your time under control? Here are 10 time-management tips for feeling good about your day.

10 Time-Management Tips for Feeling Good about Your Day VickiTillmanCoaching.com Get time under control with a few doable steps.

10 Time-Management Tips for Feeling Good about Your Day

Would you like to go to bed at the end of the day feeling good about what you’ve accomplished?

There’s no need to change who you are. If you’re TypeA personality, that’s good, but sometimes you spin your wheels too much of the time. If you’re NOT TypeA that’s good, too, but sometimes you just can’t get or stay in motion. TypeA or not, here are some basic doable strategies for managing your time.

Digital Stuff You Can Start Now

  • Turn off notifications. Just.Do.It.
  • Close unnecessary tabs (and most of the open windows are unnecessary). If having lots of tabs causes you to switch activities back and forth, you’re loosing time. Finish one tab’s task, then go on to the next.
  • Pick 3 times per day to check social media and stick to it (and these time should NOT be during productive hours). It’s addictive and time sucking (see Time Audit below).
  • Set a timer for freetime. Give yourself permission for guilt-free “wasted” time each day. Just time limit it and do it in the non-producing hours of the day (as in AFTER work).

Stuff to do NOW for a Well-Managed Future

Time Audit: Get Life Balance VickiTillmanCoaching.com

  • Prioritize. There’s no way we can ever fit everything we need to do or want to do in a single day. What are your priorities? What is on mission for you?
  • Use a scheduler (paper or electronic). Check it daily.
  • Schedule time for the things that are meaningful to you
  • Schedule healthy transition times at the end of the day
  • Schedule time for mindfulness and gratitude
  • BONUS Tip: Use Scheduling Backwards to get projects under control. It’s freebie that’s really helped me organize my time.
  • ANOTHER BONUS Tip: Coaching helps at each step of the way. When you feel overwhelmed, stuck or just want accountability for your time management, contact me.

10 Time-Management Tips for Feeling Good about Your Day

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice!

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Maybe the Number One tip for relationship success: Be nice!

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice! VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice!

I’m not being trite here. This may be the #1 way to make a relationship more successful. Listen to my reasoning:

What *nice* is:

  • Speaking in a respectful tone of voice
  • Perspective taking
  • Daily noticing your partner (deeds, personality, ideas, values). Harvard psychologist and researcher, Ellen Langer, suggests that daily naming 5 things about your parter will significantly improve your relationship.
  • Refusing to show contempt. Daniel Gottman, marriage expert, says the #1 predictor of divorce is a couple that shows contempt. Contempt looks like one or more of these things:
    • mocking
    • sarcasm
    • disrespect
    • name-calling
    • eye-rolling
    • sneering
  • Avoiding criticism. Gottman also warns against being critical. Criticism is not meant to help, it is simply a discharge of your own personal frustrations. Rather than criticize, share *I feel, when…* statements (said calmly and politely) and leave some quiet space for your partner to respond and respect your needs.
  • Stopping stonewalling behavior. Stonewalling is another of what Gottman calls the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (destroyers of relationships). Stonewalling looks like:
    • Refusing to have a conversation on a difficult topic
    • Silent treatment
    • Stubbornness/refusal to change or adapt

What *nice* is not:

  • Denial (Just because you are being polite, doesn’t mean that your partner isn’t an idiot sometimes. Face the things that are wrong, decide what YOU need to do in relation to those things and then talk about it.)
  • Codependence (Is your identity swallowed up in your significant other? Are you only okay if he/she is happy? That’s toxic to you and to the relationship.)
  • Being a doormat (Healthy people set boundaries for themselves and what they will do with or put up from their partner.)
  • Never having your own opinion (Healthy couples have 2 individuals who bring their individual thoughts to the table. This creates a rich relationship.)
  • Agreeing with everything your significant other says or does
  • Avoiding healthy confrontation

This sounds like wise advice, right? But it is not so easy once you are past the honeymoon phase in a relationship. After those first *fall-in-love* hormones dissipate, being nice can often be an act of your will. A choice.

A good choice.

Good relationships are good for you and for the world around you.

Are you ready to do some great personal growth? Contact me for life-changing Life Coaching.

Maybe the Number One Tip for Relationship Success: Be Nice!

5 Simple Steps to Prepare for Phone Interviews

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Here are 5 simple steps to prepare for phone interviews.

5 Simple Steps to Prepare for Phone Interviews VickiTillmanCoaching.com

5 Simple Steps to Prepare for Phone Interviews

Phone interviews are intimidating to many people. They cannot see the person they are talking with, cannot read non-verbals or sense the environment.

However, is not uncommon for my Career Coaching to have phone interviews as Step 1 in the potential company’s hiring process.

Don’t worry! There are some simple steps for preparing for phone interviews that will relieve some of the stress.

Step 1: Make sure you are on-brand

Make sure you are presenting yourself consistently and professionally anywhere you can be seen in the digital world.

  • Is your LinkedIn profile updated and presenting you at your best?
  • Is your social media cleaned up?

Step 2: Do your research

Know as much as you can about the organization you will be interviewing for.

  • Make sure that you read up on the company. Know its mission, its history, and interesting factoids. Their website is a good place to start. See if they have a Facebook page.
  • Do you know the name of the person who will be interviewing you? Can you find that person on LinkedIn? If you, at least you’ll know what they look like, and get a glimpse into what they think is important about their work.

Step 3: Practice phone interview questions

There are a few common phone interview questions. Ask yourself and answer them. Say them in the mirror or have a friend *interview* you. You can even write out the answers, in case you think you will forget.

Here are some of the more common questions:

  • What is your job history?
  • What has been your salaries? (There are some states that do not allow that question to be asked.)
  • What are your salary expectations for a new job?
  • What are some challenges you have overcome in your current job?
  • What are your greatest strengths/weaknesses?
  • What experiences have you had at your current job that may be helpful at this new job?
  • What do you hope to contribute to the organization?
  • Would you be willing to travel? relocate?
  • Why do you want to work for this organization?

Step 4: Be professional

  • Keep your resume in front of you
  • Keep a note pad and pencil with you, take notes as you go
  • Dress professionally (even if only you see you, it makes a difference)
  • During the interview either stand up straight or sit up straight
  • Smile
  • Don’t multitask. Concentrate on the interview
  • Say *thank you* at the end of the interview
  • Be sure to have a question or two on hand in case they ask: Do you have any questions for us?
    • Can you describe the day-to-day routines of this position?
    • Can you describe the team I will be working with if I am hired?
    • What are some specific things you are looking for in new-hires?
    • What are you most proud of about working for this corporation?

Confidence-Building Skills for Meeting New People VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Click here for some confidence-building skills.

Step 5: Send a *thank you* email

Send a quick email after the interview thanking the interviewer for his time and attention.

  • You may also reiterate why you think you’ll be a good fit for the job
  • Be sure to check spelling and grammar. (Read the email outloud before you send it.)
  • Include the word *internew* and the job title in the subject line

Time to get some coaching to get ready for your career change? Contact me.

5 Simple Steps to Prepare for Phone Interviews

10 Simple, Practical Steps to a New or Revamped Career

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Here are 10 simple, practical steps to a new or revamped career.

10 Simple, Practical Steps to a New or Revamped Career

10 Simple, Practical Steps to a New or Revamped Career

Realizing you need a new career? Or maybe you’re in the right field but wrong job or location? Time for a do-over!

Here are 10 simple, practical steps to a new or revamped career:

Step 1. Define your needs. What are your baseline needs for:

  • Finances
  • Location
  • Schedule
  • Flexibility

Step 2. Define your wants. These aren’t deal-breakers and if you’re just staring out, they might not even be considerations.

  • Growth potential
  • Benefits (this may need to go under *needs* category)
  • Team atmosphere
  • Learning community
  • Perks
  • Job security

Step 3. Rediscover yourself. This is the important part. If you’re starting fresh career-wise, you want to concentrate on a good fit.  Revisit your personal mission statement. Click here for freebie links to help with personal discovery or download this Career Exploration Workbook.

Personal Discovery Links VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Download this freebie.

Step 4. Delineate your strengths. Write them down. Is there a way you can leverage them? Be creative!

Step 5. Face your weaknesses. Would any of these weaknesses hinder your employability? If so, make a plan to mitigate them.

Step 6. Make several choices and explore each. In today’s job market, you may need to hunt in more than one area.

Step 7. Rebrand yourself. Update resume, cover letter and references.

Step 8. More rebranding. Spiff up LinkedIn. Clean up social media.

Step 9. Rehearse interview skills. Literally, find someone to practice with. Have them ask the questions and you answer.

Step 10. Get yourself out there. Network. Check the job boards such as USA Jobs, Indeed, Glassdoor

It goes without mentioning that you should be praying at each step!

These 10 steps can feel overwhelming. If you would like some excellent coaching on any or all of them, contact me!

10 Simple, Practical Steps to a New or Revamped Career

Why Doesn’t Insurance Cover Career Coaching or Life Coaching?

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I have often been asked: Why doesn’t insurance cover Career Coaching or Life Coaching?

Why Doesn't Insurance Cover Career Coaching or Life Coaching? VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Why Doesn’t Insurance Cover Career Coaching or Life Coaching?

I often have clients ask me: Why doesn’t insurance cover coaching?

The answer is simple.

Well, sort of. Health insurance covers things that need healing. Insurance companies call this: medical necessity.

If you are sick and go to your primary care physician or a specialist, they work with you to heal the problem. During the process, your doctor my slip in a tip about exercise and nutrition. However, if he suggests that you go to a nutritionist for eating tips or trainer at the gym, it is unlikely that they will be covered by insurance.

Your nutritionist and trainer are interested in building your health but they are not healing something that is sick. (Sometimes, if your sickness is related to your eating patterns, you can get insurance for your nutritionist.)

When you come for Life and/or Career Coaching, your health insurance company is not going to cover your sessions. They do not regard your coaching needs as *medical necessity*. In other words: Insurance feels like your lack of fulfillment and stress due to a rotten job are things that are *sickness*.

In Life and/or Career Coaching, we are not working on healing. We are working on fulfilling.

  • We are working on helping you to fulfill the potentials that God placed in you to develop.
  • We are working on helping you find and fulfill a meaningful life.
  • We are working on helping you discover your gifts, build branding and skills to launch a new career.
  • We are working to help you dream big dreams and set goals to bring them to pass.

Counseling is a healing profession, just like your family doctor or her physician’s assistant and nursing staff are healing professionals. They are all helping something that has a medical diagnosis get better.

Coaching is a fulfilling profession. It is just as valuable to your growth and potential as counseling is. You get the joy of knowing that you are directly funding your future!

It’s worth every penny.

Personal Discovery Links VickiTillmanCoaching.com

Download this freebie.

Contact me today for life changing Life and/or Career Coaching. If you are local, we will work in person. We can also coach by phone or Skype.

Why Doesn’t Insurance Cover Career Coaching or Life Coaching?

12 Facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity

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What are 12 facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity?

12 Facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity VickiTillmanCoaching.com

12 Facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity

What is authenticity?

That’s a hard question to answer. People have lots of ideas about what authentic people are. Here are some:

  • consistently honest
  • comfortably open with their thoughts, feelings and opinions
  • behaves and believes the same way regardless circumstances
  • congruent (acts out their beliefs)

It might be easier to look at authenticity by examining the opposite. Inauthentic people might give in to:

  • pressures to be or act a certain way
  • pressures to live a prescribed lifestyle
  • pressures to have specific kinds of friendships
  • pressures to believe in believe certain things
  • pressures to be open (or not) with others

Authenticity is a cultural value. People like to feel like they are friends with authentic people, go to church with authentic Christians, do business with authentic entrepreneurs.

But is it always good to be authentic?

I have an acquaintance that is always the same in every circumstance. She acts and speaks with open, honest, unfiltered opinions. You can always trust her to tell the truth as she sees it. She also leaves a trail of hurt people by the unkind but *honest* things she says. Is that a good authenticity?

I have another acquaintance who is always open and honest with her feelings and experiences. When you ask her, “How are you doing?” she thinks you mean it. So she tells you. The whole story. No detail left out. People who know her well have learned to never ask a question if it is a busy day. Is that good authenticity?

What if we looked at authenticity as a 6 degree decision-making process?

Here are 12 *facts* about 6 degrees of authenticity (a pro and a con for each degree):

1st degree: Untempered

*Being untempered is inauthentic, I believe. While people who say what they think, all the time, may be congruent and honest about what they are feeling, they are not necessarily kind. Scripture talks about speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). If what one is saying isn’t loving, the heart behind what is being said is inauthentic.

Also, ask yourself, “Is this necessary?” It is not loving to dump your entire load of troubles on an acquaintance who was just looking for, “I’m fine” in answer to his, “How are you?”

*Untempered speaking is fine with very close friends and families who know and understand your heart. Everyone needs some place to dump their thoughts and feelings.

2nd Degree: Fake

*Being a fake (behaving in a manner that is not-at-all how you feel or believe) is inauthentic. Most people can spot a person being *fake*, unless they have the need to feel deluded.

*However, there are times when behaving in a *fake* manner is the only polite thing to do. Take for instance: The ex-wife must go to the wedding of her daughter and behave well, despite the fact that her ex-husband is attending with his new, young bride. To behave in a manner congruent with her feelings would ruin the wedding for her daughter. This kind of inauthenticity is simply called *manners*.

Make wise decisions about authenticity VickiTillmanCoaching.com

3rd Degree: Shut down

*Being completely shut down is not authentic. When a person feels shut down there is often depression, anxiety or hurt that needs healing. They have found detaching from emotional responses feels safer than being open with others. 

*There are times being shut down might be wise. If you are at a hostile board meeting and have nothing constructive to say, for the moment shutting down (or shutting up) might be the best choice.

4th Degree: Cautious

*Being overly cautious is not authentic when it is not called for. In a group of safe people, or with a safe person, it is inauthentic to not share opinions or feelings or needs. Being cautious when it is not needed leads to missing opportunities to connect.

*Being cautious is called for in new situations, or changing situations. It may take a little time and some risk taking to decide how much caution is needed when expression oneself with new people or when a group has undergone a big change of some sort.

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5th Degree: Open

*Being open may appear to be authentic, but if it is an unwise or unsafe situation being totally open and honest may expose a person to unkindness or worse. Openness is good when the situation warrants. Discernment is needed.

*Being open is good with close and trusted friends and family members. Every human needs people like that in their lives. Some need lots of close and trusted friends and family, some just a few, but everybody needs somebody (sometime).

6th Degree: Wise

*The fact about this is that it is never unwise to be wise. 

*A wise person asks themselves these questions and discerns a kind, safe and polite answer:

  • What should I be authentic about?
  • When should I be authentic?
  • Where should I be authentic?
  • Why should I be authentic?

Want help wrestling with your own authenticity? That’s what life coaching is about! Transition from inauthenticity to wise authenticity! Contact me to get started. We can have coaching sessions in person, by phone or by Skype.

12 Facts about 6 Degrees of Authenticity